


Bed & Breakfast

by emimix3



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Universe, Dialogue Heavy, Escapism, Getting Together, M/M, Mentions of homophobia, Only One Bed, Plans For The Future, Post Kiss, Relationship Discussions, Road Trips, Running away from your problems, mentions of rehab, or is there...?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-11 07:22:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28347597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emimix3/pseuds/emimix3
Summary: Jack ran across campus because heneededto kiss Bitty. But now, Bitty missed his plane because of him.Good thing that neither of them really wanted to go where they were supposed to.
Relationships: Eric "Bitty" Bittle & Jack Zimmermann, Eric "Bitty" Bittle/Jack Zimmermann
Comments: 7
Kudos: 93





	Bed & Breakfast

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jercydee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jercydee/gifts).



> Hello ! I hope you're all spending a good holiday season. 
> 
> This fic has been written for the OMGSP secret santa, for Jercy ! I hope you'll enjoy your gift !

Jack was kissing Bitty.

He wasn’t even sure it was happening.

He had spent the last weeks – the last _months –_ trying to ignore the growing feelings he had for his friend; to convince himself that it was only a phase, then that Bitty wouldn’t like him back, and then that it would be career suicide to even think about acting upon his feelings. It’s the dream or the boy, such is reality; and Jack felt like it was the dream that would make him the happiest. So Jack decided to follow the dream and ignore the boy, even if he was bad at it. 

And now – one minute he was graduating, the second he was talking to his parents:

And, what his father said – go really say goodbye.

Jack couldn’t say goodbye to Bitty.

Jack couldn’t give up.

Jack couldn’t choose between the dream and the boy when all he did lately was dreaming of the boy.

So, the third minute, he was running across campus, to his Haus that he was leaving, and he found Bitty and he kissed him.

And Bitty kissed back.

Fuck, how could Jack believe one second he could choose between the boy and the dream?

They kissed, and they kissed, and they kissed – Jack had lost the concept of time, at least, until Bitty jerked away from him to look at his phone.

“I missed my airport shuttle.”

This sobered Jack back into reality in one second. He looked at his own phone – it was on silent, so he had missed three calls from Maman and 2 texts from Papa – asking him where he was, they were waiting for him for lunch.

Oh, no.

“I’m so, so sorry Bits-”

“I- I can get an Uber there, I should arrive on time.”

Jack felt awful. An Uber to the airport would certainly not be cheap, and it was _his fault_ …

“I- I can drive you to the airport. If have you wait for an Uber to arrive here, you’ll definitely miss your plane.”

“Jack…”

“It’s my fault.”

“Weren’t you supposed to have lunch with your parents and your _new boss?”_

“They’ll understand. I’ll treat them for dinner if I must.”

Bitty looked at Jack, for a few seconds, and he said:

“Ok. Let’s do that, then.”

* * *

Jack let Bitty try to find some space for his suitcase and backpack in his car, in between his own boxes, furniture, and bags, while he answered his phone when his mom tried to call again.

“ _Jack! Mais t’es où?_ ”

“Désolé. Je suis passé à la Haus, et- Eh, Bittle a loupé sa navette, donc je le dépose à l’aéroport.”

_“Quoi? Attends- (hey- I’m sorry Georgia, Jack has a setback) Est-ce qu’il peut pas venir manger avec nous, on le dépose après?”_

_“_ Il va _vraiment_ louper son avion.”

“ _Jack_ …”

The conversation was short after that, Jack not bulging – he was going to drop Bitty at the airport, now. He promised to call back later when he saw that Bitty had managed to put his stuff in Jack’s car and close the doors, and they both hopped in the car, direction Boston’s airport.

The airport wasn’t that far away from Samwell. Jack wasn’t sure he knew the way. Before he bought his brand-new car with his signing bonus, he made the trip with shuttles or Holster was dropping him.

The voice of the GPS and the radio at a low volume were the only thing that could be heard in the car. Bitty was looking at the road, refusing to turn his head, and silent.

Jack himself couldn’t help but throw some looks at Bitty when he could get away with it. And he could get away with it a lot, because they were currently stuck in traffic.

Fucking Boston.

After what seemed an eternity, Bitty looked at his phone.

“I missed my plane.”

“It left already?” Jack asked, stopping the radio.

“It leaves in 5. I’d need to teleport to the gate,” Bitty said, staring at his phone in his hands.

“I’m-” _sorry. But no, Jack wasn’t._ “Can you call to try to get a later plane?”

“I’m going to try.”

The car wasn’t moving much, in the sea of other cars.

Now, Jack could here the beep of the phone connecting. And then, the waiting music of the travel agency.

After a while, someone replied. Switched Bitty to another line, with another waiting music.

“I hope you’ll get a plane today,” Jack said, “There must be another one that goes to Atlanta. If there’s a price difference, just tell me, I can cover the costs. It’s my fault you missed the shuttle, so-”

“I don’t want to go back.”

The waiting music was deafening.

The car still wasn’t moving.

Jack was fucking lost, and the lady of the GPS won’t be able to help him out this time.

He looked at Bitty, who had brought his phone in front of his mouth and was looking at the road, once again.

The waiting music was still ringing.

“Let’s go, then.”

Jack put his turn signal and tried to move to the rightest way to get the hell out of this highway at the first exit, which he managed to do in only a few minutes.  
  


The lady of the GPS kept telling him to turn around, so he shut her up before finding somewhere on the side of the road to stop.

Bitty had hung up his phone minutes ago. He was as lost as Jack.

“… Don’t you have a job in Georgia?”

Bitty took a few seconds to reply.

“Not before June. I still have three weeks free…”

“I have to be in Providence this afternoon. I’m supposed to stay with St-Martin. I only get the keys for my apartment in two weeks.”

“Ok…”

Bitty finally, finally looked at Jack. His face was closed, not showing many emotions. Or maybe too much of them – it’s not like Jack was good at reading them.

So, for the first time since this morning, he actually took the time to think more than one second and actively decided something. 

“I can… Just drop my boxes there. And…”

“And?”

“And let’s go somewhere. For now at least.”

Bitty stayed silent for a while.

“Yes. Please.”

* * *

They didn’t talk much until they arrived at St-Martin’s, except for Bitty who left a voicemail on his Mama’s phone to tell her to not pick him up at the airport before turning off the phone – St-Martin was surprised to see him arrive so early, and with someone else in the car nonetheless. But Jack and Bitty had agreed on a quick lie, that they’ll join their friends for an impromptu road trip to celebrate graduation and that Jack was just dropping his stuff.

“Ah, that’s great! A surprise road trip? That’s some good teammates you had here!” St-Martin had said, while they stocked all of Jack’s boxes in the garage. “You’ll be back when you get your keys, right?”

“Yes, yes, of course.”

“Just give me a call, I or Gabby will be home - and enjoy your last summer of relative anonymity,” St-Martin winked. “Believe me, you’ll charm more than one lady.”

“Ah- sure. Sure sure sure.”

They were back on the road soon enough – this time, Jack didn’t turn on the radio. Bitty didn’t, either, not he asked for the aux cord as he usually do.

They let the silence, once again, take over the vehicle, while driving God knows where.

Finally, finally, Bitty turned towards Jack, and he asked:

“So- You’re team attic, or team roaches?”

* * *

They stopped in a small, cheap hotel along the coast. They had tried a Bed & Breakfast they saw on the road, but it was full. But it was starting to be late, they only ate the cookies that Bitty had put in Jack’s suitcase, and they had no idea of where they were going and what they were doing.

Bitty took care of taking the suitcases out of the car while Jack booked a room at the reception, and they both climbed two flights of stairs to arrive in front of their room.

They were silent, when they entered the room and dropped their suitcases on the floor. They just looked at each other.

And they kissed.

For the first time since this morning, they touched, and it wasn’t hesitant, a question and an answer – they both knew the other was standing at the same place as themselves, even if it was ‘the absolute unknown’, and they weren’t kissing like it was the first time but the last, because who know, maybe it was.

Jack was holding Bitty’s head with both his hands, and Bitty was pushing them both towards the nearest bed, and they stopped to kiss right before they would dip on it.

“We really need to take five minutes and talk,” Jack shushed. 

“We had all day to talk and we ignored it, we can wait a bit more,” Bitty complained, and his eyes were so big and so brown and so- uh, Jack was so weak, who was he to think he could win against this boy.

“Don’t say that with those eyes.”

“What with my eyes?”

“They’re- you’re annoying me right now,” Jack groaned, pushing Bitty so he’d be sitting on the bed – and Bitty dragged him down with him, laughing.

They were kissing again, this time with Jack above Bitty, until Bitty decided to switched things up – he pushed Jack a bit, signalling him to roll over-

And Jack fell on the ground.

“Oh shit!” Bitty said, sitting up immediately. “You okay?”

“Eh- yes. Yes.”

“There are two beds,” Bitty said, frowning at the other single-size bed in the room, a few feet away from the one he was currently on. “I’m sorry. I thought it was only one bed, I didn’t even notice, and- Why are there _two beds_ anyway?”

“I didn’t want to- Well. What if someone working here recognised me? It was- easier, you know,” Jack admitted. “Maybe we can-”

“Get the beds together?”

“Yes. Yes, that.”

The enterprise of getting the beds together was a failure, in the end. The headboards were solidly fixed to the wall, so the beds were separated, for ever and ever, by a few feet of distance. Bitty plopped on one of them in utter despair.

“I don’t know if I’m in a kissing mood anymore,” Bitty complained.

“We can talk, then.”

“Oh! Wow! I’m very much in a make out mood again. Come here.”

“Careful, it’s your turn to fall, eh.”

* * *

They only left the hotel room later this night when the hunger was too much. They took the car for a few minutes to drive into the small town the hotel was in, to find some place to eat to. There was a tourist trap on the beach, with some tables on the sand and that was serving microwaved food, expensive cocktails and some nice-looking ice cream bowls. There weren’t many people – perfect if you asked Jack and Bitty, who sat there and ordered half of the menu to share.

It was easier to talk now, far from the silence they spent the whole trip in. As if the kisses never happened – but they did, and more were to come, they both knew that even if they didn’t need to say it in so many words. 

That was maybe what was drawing them to each other? They were already themselves together before.

“Where are we going tomorrow?” Jack asked, while they were each eating their own ice cream bowl.

“I am not even sure of where we are _now_ ,” Bitty replied, waving his spoon towards Jack. “Don’t tell me, I like not knowing.”

“Let’s improvise, then?” Jack asked, even if Jack hated to improvise.

“Maybe we should have a plan,” Bitty said, and Bitty hated to have plans. “But not today. Let’s talk about it tomorrow.”

They waited for the sun to start to set to pay and leave the restaurant, and they walked along the beach to watch it. Jack’s favourite part was once the sun was gone and the night was here, and they could hold hands while no one could see.

When they went back to the hotel, they made out some more, and Bitty tried to get in bed with Jack but it was just so uncomfortable – they fell asleep in their two separate beds, looking at each other and promising more cuddles to come in the morning.

Jack fell asleep quickly.

It had been a long, long day.

* * *

He was woken up in the morning by a voice. Not a nice, loving voice that would coax him awake, but a hushed, yet loud voice, that came from the bathroom. Jack groaned, stretched, and sat up in the bed, trying to wake up correctly.

Bitty came out of the bathroom a few moments later, looking angry and confused and with his phone in hand.

“Mmh. Okay?” Jack tried to ask.

“Sorry! Did I wake you? I’m so, so-”

“No- don’t worry, Bitty. It’s just… Are you okay?”

Bitty sat on the bed, next to Jack, and he just said:

“My mom. Don’t worry, I told her we’re on a road trip with the guys. She-. Well. We need to vacate the room by 10, right? Let’s get on the road!”

Ah, so he wasn’t okay at all. Jack didn’t press it. They had a whole car trip today to decide to talk it out or not.

* * *

“So, where to go?” Bitty asked, fixing his sunglasses as he tried to make sense of which way to go to exit the city with the car.

“I’m not even sure of where we are.”

“We should go along the coast, then. I want to spend more time on the beach.”

“More south, then? No way you could bathe in the ocean in _Maine_ ,” Jack chirped.

“Ush, you!”

They drove more south, in the end. Jack chirped Bitty a lot on his choice of music, and Bitty chirped Jack a lot on the fact that he couldn’t recognise most of the artists – when it was a Top 100 playlist playing.

“I’m really not a fan,” Jack admitted. “Pop music in general, I mean.”

“What isn’t there to like in pop music? It’s happy, it’s catchy, it’s made for people to like.”

“I don’t know. It’s- I like lyrics and songs that tell stories, you know?”

“Pop songs can tell stories too, you know,” Bitty pointed out.

“Yes, but not to the level of what I’m used to in French,” Jack said. “Listen- Wait, how do your phone work?” he added, trying to make sense of Bitty’s phone to change the music.

“Just- the YouTube app, on the other screen-” Bitty tried, keeping his eyes on the road.

Soon enough, the car was blasting a totally different song, that Bitty didn’t seem to appreciate fully if his face was any indication. At least, he didn’t seem to mind much Jack humming and singing along.

“I- The music is loud, next to his voice. And he doesn’t sing very well,” Bitty said. “What’s the song?”

“ _Je me touche dans le parc,_ des Trois Accord,” Jack replied, and Bitty probably didn’t understand a single word.

He still listened a bit more, before giving up.

“I really don’t like it.”

“Well,” Jack shrugged, “you need everything to make a world.”

“What is the story of this song? What is he trying to sing about?”

“Guess?”

“Mmh- A love song? In doubt, all songs are love songs.”

“Kinda!” Jack admitted. “It’s about a guy who gets discharged of the psychiatric hospital – but he fell in love with someone there, so to get back he decides to masturbate in the middle of a public park, and the police arrests him.”

“What?! Are you kidding?”

“Haha.”

“Jack, that’s not fun!”

“Sorry- I’m telling the truth, though.”

“I _refuse_ to believe that!”

Jack laughed some more, while looking for another song to play. He found one – _Droit devant_ , by Les Cow-Boys Fringants. This time, the song was slower, more nostalgic. Bitty probably wouldn’t understand the lyrics either, but he didn’t cut off Jack when he was singing the chorus and humming the rest.

Bitty himself was humming, by the end.

“What is it about?” he finally asked, when the song ended.

“Life being a bitch.”

“Mmh.” Bitty hummed the tune a bit more. “Still not a big fan of the voice, sorry.”

“It’s okay. Do you have any pop songs you think I might like?”

“Well, if you like guitars, we should try some good ol’ fashioned Taylor Swift…”

* * *

They stopped at a gas station to eat some overpriced, underwhelming sandwiches on the bench next to the toilets, before Jack took the wheel to continue their trip to nowhere.

Bitty booked on his phone a Bed&Breakfast on the coast not too far away for a few days while Jack was driving – they arrived there in the middle of the afternoon, and a little old lady that clearly didn’t recognise Jack welcomed them and lead them to the room. Bitty regretted a bit that he chose to book the twin room instead of a double, but hey.

They couldn’t see the ocean from the balcony, but there was a table, some chairs, enough privacy, and a good view of the garden, so that was enough for now. The old lady remembered them the hours for the breakfast in the morning, and gave Bitty a cute sheet with the restaurants and things to see in town, and after that, she was gone. Jack immediately dropped on the nearest bed and closed his eyes.

He just wanted to nap. He closed his eyes, and he could hear that Bitty was walking around the room, opening his bag, closing it, doing the same with the windows, trying to move the big, wooden bed Jack wasn’t on without success.

“Bitty… Come lay here,” Jack groaned, not opening his eyes but tapping the bed next to him to gesture Bitty to just, please, lie here too.

“Hmmpf,” Bitty just replied, but he cuddled next to Jack who put his arm across his waist.

Bitty probably wasn’t planning to nap, because he was on his phone while Jack was trying to drift off.

The room was silent. Calm. 

“The others asked on the group chat if I arrived safely in Georgia,” Bitty said with a low voice out of nowhere.

“Ah,” Jack said, opening his eyes to see Bitty looking intently at him.

“I don’t know what to reply to them. I- I don’t know if you’re out to any of them. I don’t know if you- I. It’s just – All of this is so. Crazy. I don’t know what’s happening,” Bitty confessed, looking straight into Jack’s eyes. “Jack – to me, yesterday morning, you were the straight boy I was crushing on and who was going to leave to greater adventures – and you kissed me, and we ran away God’s know where for God’s know why.”

“I love you,” Jack just said, because he did.

Bitty didn’t say anything. He just kept looking at Jack, blinking and with a weird noise at the back of his throat.

Ah, Jack probably should have waited.

“I- I do. I have, for a while now. It’s; I guess I didn’t want to admit it to myself, I wanted to ignore it so it’d go away, because it’s so complicated, but… But I love you. And I realised yesterday that I couldn’t be really happy if I gave up on you, and my dad told me something that resonated with me, so… So I stopped to overthink the ‘what if’s and I ran after you.”

“I I I- I need to thank your dad for that?”

“That’s all you got from me pouring my heart out?”

“Jack. I love you too.”

Jack felt like all his insides were on fire. Not the passionate, destructive fire he felt when Kent was around, the one that hurt him more than not – not the small campfire he tried to light and keep alive for Camilla and Samantha, because it would have been so easy if it had taken. No, a strong, powerful fire, one that wasn’t hard to maintain but that he didn’t mind putting the effort in, a fire that brought so much life and light and warmth.

Bitty loved him, and Jack, always so anxious and hesitant, didn’t doubt one second that he was telling the truth.

Jack lifted his head just enough to be able to kiss Bitty, softly and lovingly, and he dropped back on the bed right after that.

“Now, nap.”

“Jack, I need to know what to answer the guys.”

Yes, Bitty did. And Jack couldn’t help but feel his heart hurting in his chest at the idea of _telling_.

“I don’t… I don’t feel ready to tell them that- that I’m bi. You know. Sorry. It’s not that I… Am ashamed, or anything. I just…”

“It’s hard to say? To have it out in the open?”

“Yes. That. I… I want to tell them. Someday. Sooner rather than later. But not now. And- and I like that no one knows right now. _Juste nous_.”

Bitty stroked Jack’s arm, gently, before focusing back on his phone.

“I’ll tell them I arrived safely. If one asks why I’m not talking much, I’ll tell I’m enjoying my family.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be, Jack.”

* * *

They stopped in the closest shop to buy some swimsuits, sunglasses and beach towels in the morning.

They had slept well! They hadn’t managed to push the two beds together, the frames being so heavy, but Jack then had the idea to put the mattresses on the floor. They each stayed on their side of the bed and didn’t cuddle much, but the mere fact of being close while sleeping was plenty. They cuddled enough before, when they watched a movie on Bitty’s laptop. In the morning, the mattresses went back on the beds, and they decided to spend the day doing nothing.

The city was big enough to have some activity, and small enough for them to find some secluded place to enjoy the sun and the sea. Bitty had already decided of the restaurants they’ll go to for the three next meals, and Jackwas just happy to go with the flow.

It was appeasing. They were in a small creek they found after hiking a bit on the coast, where only two other groups were too, far enough so that Jack couldn’t even see their faces. The ocean was right there, not incredibly blue, but lazy and warm enough; the sand was coarse, a bit stony, but good enough to lie on, right at the edge of the shadow the pine trees casted on the ground.

And Bitty – ah, Bitty was beaming in the sun. with his grin, and bobbing his head at the rhythm of the music coming from his phone. Some pop music carefuly picked, that he promised that Jack would love. Jack loved them all for sure, but he didn’t know how much was the music itself or the fact that Bitty picked the songs with him in mind.

Jack didn’t regret one second running back to the Haus the other day.

They went on a hike in a forest the following day. They found an itinerary on Google, and there was a sports shop that sold hiking gear, because Bitty had none and Jack’s was in Providence. Bitty bought the food for lunch – the first thing Jack let him pay of all the trip, really, but Bitty had been sneaky enough to pay before him.

It wasn’t something big, a well-known trail, nothing next to what Jack was used to around his parent’s cabin in the middle of the Canadian wilderness, but fun enough, especially when Bitty decided they’d race down the hill and he won, even if only slightly (Jack almost passed him when he slipped and slid on his butt for a good part of the slope).

“Haha Jack! You won’t make wonders in the NHL with this balance and your snail speed!” Bitty had laughed at the bottom of the hill.

“You may run fast, but you have no stamina, Sonic.”

“Who’s Sonic?”

“Bitty. I refuse to believe that I know who Sonic is and you don’t.”

When they went back to the Bed&Breakfast late in the afternoon, they crossed ways with their host, who raised her eyebrows and had a knowing smile on her lips. Probably because Jack was covered in mud from his head to his toes, especially on the butt area, which Bitty didn’t hesitate to chuckle about once the lady was out of eyesight.

But once they arrived back in the room, they realised the terrible truth: the two mattresses were still on the floor, the sheets on them impeccably done by the little old lady when she came to clean the room.

“Oops,” Bitty said.

“Oh, no. At least, I really doubt she recognised me?”

“We’re booked under my name, it should be okay, no?”

“Let’s just… Shower and dinner somewhere and avoid seeing her tonight, okay? We’re leaving in the morning anyway.”

* * *

They went back north, after that. Upstate New York, looking for some lakes and cabins to rent. In the first, they stayed one evening, not making it to the night when they realised there were bedbugs so big they could see them. They tried their best to sleep in Jack’s car, folding the backseats, but it wasn’t comfortable at all without any kind of mattress and blanket besides the clothes in their bags.

Jack managed to sleep a little, but Bitty didn’t, so Jack took the wheel in the morning to get the farther away from this hellish place.

“Any doubt and hesitation I had are now gone,” Jack said when on the road. “I’m team attic now.”

“They were bed bugs, not roaches,” Bitty just mumbled, his eyes closed. “If it was ‘team attic’ or ‘team bedbugs’, everyone would be team attic, so there wouldn’t be a debate.”

“And for once, there was only one bed,” Jack deplored.

“We’re cursed, Jack. Cursed,” Bitty just said, before falling asleep.

The second cabin was cleaner, but all the joy they had at the idea to _finally_ be able to stop for a while to enjoy each other’s presence was put to a halt when the man renting it to them recognised Jack and asked for an autograph.

“Been a fan of hockey since your dad played, you know! Loved the Habs because of him, even if I’ve always lived in New York!” the guy said, while Jack was signing the check for two days of rental. 

“Ah. I’ll tell him, he’ll love that,” Jack just replied, because of course his dad loved stuff like this.

“Usually people renting here are couples on a getaway, you know,” the guy said and Bitty looked at the ceiling, trying to become invisible.

“Ah, well, my friend and I are, hmm, looking for hiking trails and we stopped at the first cabin that seemed nice enough…”

“I live just across the road, ask if you need anything! I got maps for all the hiking trails of the region, I can give you some advice for sure! I’ll stop by in the morning with some, or tonight maybe-”

“Ah, uh, thanks.”

When the guy left, Bitty just sighed.

“Pfiou. I thought he was going to invite you for dinner.”

“If he stops by to drop the maps later this afternoon, he still may.”

“He better not. I’m not sharing my boyfriend to some… _Fanboy_.” 

“Boyfriend, hmm?” Jack pointed out.

“I!” Bitty stammered, red in the face. “Uh, boyfriend not?”

“Hmm, boyfriend hmm.”

“… Boyfriend not, or boyfriend yes?”

“Yes boyfriend!”

Bitty blinked, a few times, and he said, still a bit red in the face and avoiding Jack’s eyes:

“Now that we agreed this, let’s stop talking like cavemen, now, please. And let’s find a shop to buy some food because this kitchen won’t fill itself.”

“Yes, boyfriend.”

“Hush!”

* * *

The blinds of the master bedroom were closed, and the curtains too, before Bitty had dared to enter the room. The owner was living right across the street, he had said, the last thing they wanted was to realise that he had been trying to get a glimpse of Jack while Bitty and him were making out.

The make out session this night stopped quick, when Jack put his hand under Bitty’s shirt and Bitty froze for a second. After that, they slowed down, until they were just holding each other on the bed.

“Sorry,” Bitty shushed.

“Don’t be.”

“It’s just- I’ve never… Well, I’ve never even kissed someone before you. So. I know you’re more, well, experienced than I am, and all that, but…”

“I’m not- I’m not that experienced,” Jack admitted. “I… I only had sex less than ten times, with four people, but every single time I had been drunk.”

He never really talked about that. He had tried to mention it to Shitty, once, but then he imagined the lecture Shitty would have given him about it all, so he refrained.

It was… Good, to be able to talk about it, for once.

“Hmm?” Bitty just said, and there was some hesitation in his tone.

“It’s- I mean. With, eh… My first boyfriend? I was almost always high on stimulants during the day and drunk on booze during parties, so, the few times it happened, well… And after that, in college, I hooked up with a few girls but then again, it was when I was drunk. At parties. I wasn’t- black-out drunk or anything, I could still consent, they all had drinks too, no one took advantage of me, but…”

“But you needed the alcohol to do it?”

“I suppose. I had a block, sober. But with a drink or two, I felt like… I could do it, and I had to, because that’s what was socially expected of me, you know? I don’t… I don’t regret having sex, with all of them, but if I hadn’t it would have been just as well. They were nice and I liked them okay, but I didn’t care much, you know? That’s awful said like that, eh.”

“Even… Your ex-boyfriend?”

“Uh. No. I used to love him. But it wasn’t good, either for me or for him.”

Bitty had probably guessed Jack was talking about Kent Parson. Bitty had seen them before the Christmas break after all; he had all the pieces of the puzzle to put two and two together. Jack didn’t know if he should tell it, though. It’s not like him and Kent had talked about it. Like he took the time to think about it himself.

Jack just hugged his boyfriend closer, his hands staying on the top of the shirt.

“I see. Thanks for telling me all that, honey.”

“Thanks for listening.”

“I want to have sex with you, really! Just. It freaks me out, a bit. But thanks for comforting me on the fact I’m not the only one who has no idea of what he’s doing.”

“It’s okay. We can take out time, you know.”

“Can we? You need to be back in Providence and me to Georgia like, next week. There’s not that much time.”

“There’s all the time in the world,” Jack just shushed.

A long, deafening silence set in the room.

“Is there?” Bitty finally asked.

“I… I hope so.”

“I hope so too, Jack. I love you. But… But. What’s to come scares me. I want to be strong enough to go through it all. I don’t know if I can be. Jack, I can’t even be brave enough to come out to my parents…”

“Bitty. You’re brave. If you don’t… If you feel like you can’t come out to your parents, you’re not the problem. They are, for not being safe enough for you to be yourself around them.”

Bitty took a long breath.

“I’m not sure that’s any better.”

“I’m sorry,” Jack immediately said, because he needed to learn to stop to talk.

“I’m just…” Bitty said, turning more so he could look at Jack straight in the eyes. “Sorry. To be scared. Not to be brave enough for you.”

It was load of bullshit, and Jack didn’t know how to start to address it.

Bitty was the bravest person he met and the only thing Jack knew was that he wouldn’t be able to make him realise it in just a few words.

Jack could tell him all about overcoming his trauma, about still being proud and being himself even in the environment he grew up in, he could tell him about his selflessness and his goodwill and his kindness, about his passion and his love to share and his love of sharing and Bitty wouldn’t believe a single word about what Jack said, because Bitty was all that but Bitty was also stubborn as a mule and he decided he wasn’t good enough.

Jack just hoped that one day, he’ll manage to help Bitty realise his worth. 

“Bitty… You’re brave. You really are.”

“Jack. I’m terrified of what’s to come.”

“I’m scared too,” Jack shushed, caressing Bitty’s arm with his finger.

“I know,” Bitty replied, because of course he knew.

“We have the right to be scared, you know?” Jack said, and to be truthful, Jack didn’t know himself before saying it outloud.

“What are you scared of?” Bitty asked. _What can I help with_ , Jack heard.

“It’s- a lot. The NHL. It’s my dream, and- and it’s happening, and…”

“And what if it’s different than what you expected?”

“Yes. And I know it _will_ be different than what I expect. And… I don’t know how I can _handle_ it, you know?”

“Not really, no,” Bitty admitted, stroking Jack’s arms with his hands.

“Yes, You’re right. That’s the thing, neither you, or another of my friend knows and can help me through it. So I- I’m about to jump head first in it and I have no one who can help. My father – my father was in the game forty years ago. And the few people I know in the NHL, well… It won’t be the same. I’m bi. In the closet. I’m autistic. It’s my comeback and I’m a key player and yet, I still haven’t played a game. And I’ll be out of the Haus, and I’ll live alone for the first time in my life and it scares me, and it’s such a huge change in my routine and I hate that, I don’t know how I’ll react.”

“How do you think it would look like?” Bitty asked. “If you can’t handle it.”

“What do you mean?”

“Do you think you’ll be okay, and then, one day you won’t be at all? Do you think it’ll be a slow decrease? Do you think – you’ll never be in the right headspace, at all?”

Jack closed his eyes, a few seconds. Bitty had no deal asking the real questions he didn’t want to think about.

“I’m not sure. None of them… All of them?”

“You have a therapist, right?” Bitty asked. “In Samwell. You mentioned her a few times.”

“I do. But- She’s a therapist only for students, and she specialised on anxiety around school and problems regular students have, not professional athletes. And her sessions were in English and it’s _hard_.”

“Do you think you could find a therapist that speaks French in Providence?”

“I don’t know. Maybe there’s some in Québec that would do Skype sessions for me? I- I had one, after rehab. But then again, he specialised in… Other stuff. So I hope I’ll never have to call him again.”

“Can you… Can you promise to look for one, please? And to call them the day I can’t reply, if you feel like they’d be more help than me or Shitty or your parents?”

“And to do as much as I can to not have to emergency call anyone,” Jack promised.

“If one day, you need to call for help, that’s not being weak, Jack.”

“I can say the same to you.”

Bitty just ignored him.

“How do you think… _Us_ will fit in all of this, Jack?”

“I’m not certain,” Jack admitted, taking Bitty’s hand to put it on his cheek. “I am… a bit anxious about it, I have to admit. I love you, I want it to work, but it’s scary. It’s brand new, but not at all – I really think we can make it work if we put in the effort, and I know I want to put in the effort for you. But I’m really scared bout what will happen when people will know.”

“When people will know,” Bitty just repeated.

“I may be stupid and young and in love and I don’t know what the NHL will be like, but – but I hope I won’t have to spend my career in the closet. And it’s crazy I think that? Last week, I was _planning_ to do exactly that, staying in the closet until the end of my days. Look at what you make me do. I just hope someone will be the first, to take the edge off. But I don’t want to have to drop your hand when there’s people who walk near us, or to have to book twin rooms until the end of my life.”

“That would really help so many kids... To have a queer role model who can play. I wish I had had one. I felt like I was the only gay guy who played until I arrived in Samwell.”

“Ah, yes. You must think I’m so egoistical, thinking only about myself on why I want to come out.”

Bitty chuckled at that. Jack could fell asleep with this sound.

“Haha, egoistical, maybe, or just subjugated because I’m right in front of you, sweetpea.”

“Mmmh, sweetpea? I like that, buddy.”

“Ah, that’s how Coach… Well. I can call you sweetpea all you want, hun.”

“Mmh, please do.”

“Let’s sleep now, ok?”

* * *

They hiked all around a lake, on one of the trails routes on a map that their host gave Jack – even if Jack had hinted they were interested in another, around a lake way farther away, in case their host decided to hike decided “by coincidence” to go on the exact same route today.

The ground was muddy, some bushes were covering the track at some places, but at least it was desert enough. They stopped for lunch on a small cliff overseeing the lake, to eat some sandwiches they bought before they left in the morning and take a breath after spending the morning only walking up.

“I miss climbing,” Bitty said, as they were sitting on the edge of the cliff and his feet were dangling in the air.

“You climb?”

“Not much, but there were some walls in the next town over in Georgia, I went there sometimes. Never climbed outside. ‘t’was fun.”

“Bits, you fainted when you were checked, but you could climb twenty metres in the air?”

“How much is twenty metres.”

“That is not the point, Bittle.”

“What do you want me to tell you? There’s no one to check me up a wall. I don’t have vertigo. I’ll show you someday.”

“Yes, _please_. I’m not sure I ever could do climbing. Heights are scary.”

Jack wasn’t comfortable right now already. He was sitting near the edge, but half a metre away from it, and his legs were safely crossed on the ground.

“Ah, Jack, it’s okay. You’re very safe when you’re climbing, you know. Even if, sadly, I doubt we could do it together, I couldn’t belay safely for you with the weight difference.”

“Human beings aren’t made to walk on walls. We’re not goats, Bittle.”

“Haha! But you have their personality, honey!”

Jack threw a bit of his tasteless sandwich to Bitty who was opening laughing at his face. How cruel.

“Call me Fearless,” Bitty said. “I’ll teach you how not to be scared when up in the air.”

“My feet are just as good on the ground or on the ice.”

“When we bring the camp kids to the climbing walls, they throw less of a tantrum than you do, Jack,” Bitty pointed out, his mouth full of sandwich.

“They just don’t realise what’s about to happen to them.”

“They do! They’re just not giant man-babies like you are, sweetpea!”

Bitty chuckled again at his own burn, and Jack didn’t have it in himself to be vexed or angry. Bitty was way too happy for that, and not wrong enough.

“You really like your summer camp job, right?” Jack just asked.

“I sure do. It’ll be the highlight of my summer, let me tell you – well, I only do day camp, with kids between six and eight, but it’s really fun. I think it’ll be mostly the same counsellors team as last year? Most were okay, some were asses, but the kids all were great. By this age, they mostly can stay alive on their own.”

“Ah, yes. I was coaching kids this age before Samwell. I wished I could live in their world sometimes, because it seemed so easy.”

“Yes, I know what you mean! No problems, no disappointment, just unconditional acceptation of ‘well, if it works like that, then…’. The most important thing is to not be bored, and they’re ready to do anything for that. Ah, life was easier when I still believed in Santa Claus.”

“You’ll have a great summer with those kids, it seems.”

“Hmm. Well, it’s just for a few weeks.”

Bitty turned away from Jack, to look at the lake under his feet, his legs beating in the air.

“You still don’t want to go back to Georgia?” Jack asked, hesitant on how to bring the subject.

“It’s… Harder at every break to go back there. To go back in the closet. I can’t be myself, there. I have to be Dicky, and to listen to everyone talk to me about girlfriends and to shut up when I hear veiled insults and quips. I feel like I’m playing a role, you know? I love being around the kids because I don’t have to play pretend with them, they just take me as I am. But I feel like a stranger with my parents. No one know I’m gay and they still don’t accept me, you know? With the jokes, the ignorance, the way they try to make homosexuality as invisible as possible, as if it was some ill you’d invite in your home if you’d mention it. It’s so… weird to me to go back there. The Dicky they know is lightyears away from the Bitty I am. I- I love my family, truly. They’re my _family_. But I feel out of place there.”

Jack came a bit closer, just enough to put his hand on Bitty’s back, without being too close to the edge.

“Do you think… They’d react badly, if you came out? _When_ you’ll come out?”

“I don’t know. My parents- maybe they’ll accept it after a while, maybe not, but they’ll cry at first for sure. My mother, I mean- my father wouldn’t cry for anything. And for the rest… I don’t know. I don’t know if they’d reject me or not. I’m not… I’m not really a part of the family anymore, you know? I have a cousin and some aunts and uncles around my age, but they all stayed down there and now I’m _off_. Even when I see them I’m… An add-on, or something. And I don’t see the little cousins grow up anymore. At least… The kids of the camp, I don’t mind not seeing them grow, you know? Because… I know I’ll only see them for a few weeks. They’re not my family, I’m not supposed to be here all their lives? It’s- It’s really weird. And I also got out of touch with all my high school friends. They were mostly hockey friends, but… I realised when I arrived in Samwell I just, wasn’t that close to them at all. I don’t speak to anyone anymore, and… I feel like there’s nothing for me anymore.”

“Like you grew out of your town?”

“Yes. I know it sounds bad, like I look down on them or something, but it’s not that. I’m not above them at all, but more like… On a parallel place. I- I shouldn’t try to make math metaphors.”

“It’s okay Bitty. You just found somewhere else to call home.”

While talking, Bitty had turned around, just enough to be able to hug Jack.

They stayed there for a while, Bitty’s legs still dangling over the cliff.

* * *

They wanted to go all the way to Canada, but Bitty didn’t have his passeport with him. Instead, they went back towards Providence, stopping every few days to areas that seemed nice.

Made out a lot, ate well, tried to avoid thinking while walking around historical landmarks of cities no one knew. Slept in two beds, and sometimes in one.

Jack didn’t want this trip to stop.

Because he was with Bitty, of course; and because, when it’ll reach its end, then the rest of his life would begin.

Right now, he just wanted to blast dad rock or pop music some more in hotel rooms to dance with Bitty, he wanted to go buy a tent to go sleep in the middle of the forest where no one would see them, he wanted to scream his love in the middle of the next town, he wanted to find a kitchen to bake with Bitty some pies.

They just didn’t have enough time, even if they did their best to make the most of it.

Jack barely felt any more ready to become Jack Zimmermann, Providence Falconer.

“I don’t want to go,” Jack shushed the last night. “Or to let you go.”

“We’ll make it through, sweet pea. We’re both brave enough.”

“Can we be scared one last night?”

“Terrified, even.”

Jack and Bitty fell asleep cuddling on the small twin bed of the hotel room.

They were scared, but they were two, so it was okay.

* * *

The following morning, when Jack parked his car at the airport in Boston, he felt like a new man, and like the past weeks had never existed at the same time. Bitty was on the passenger seat next to him. No one else was around. Jack found the most reclused spot to park.

“I miss you already,” Jack just said.

“I miss you too,” Bitty just said back.

Bitty kissed him like it was the last time, and he was off the car, with his suitcase and just waving Jack goodbye. His plane was soon. And Jack was going to be late to get the keys.

He should send pictures to the group chat with the keys. Shitty would probably invite himself this afternoon already to help him get furniture – his parents were scheduled to arrive in two days so he needed a good lie, Robinson had told him he’d lend him a bed, a couch and whatever until he had bought some. Practice with the team will begin soon, he’ll prepare for hockey all summer, visit his parents a few weeks, and then season would start and he’ll be in the NHL, for real. The plan was easy. He just had to follow it and all would go well.

When he and St-Martin were talking to the realtor to sign the last papers and get the keys, his phone vibrated.

**Bittle, Jack**

> [Selfie of Bitty in the plane. He has an aisle seat.]  
> you need visit for the 4th of July  
> maybe I could come back earlier in august

The plan went off course already, but Jack knew all would go great. 


End file.
